8-10 Grief Filters

I’m struggling to remember Jason as he lived and as my partner.  Right now, I am focused on the hole his absence has created in my life.  I have been for a while.  This feels selfish.

I understand that for each of us, his death is filtered through our relationship with him.  I feel the loss of my partner.  Someone else is feeling the loss of a classmate, a castmate, a performance partner, a friend, a family member, or whatever your relationship is with him.  It still feels selfish to be more focused on the hole he left than the person he was, even if the hole is the present reality.

When I brought this up, my therapist suggested I make a photo album of images of him and of us.  (Therapy is great fun, let me tell you.)  It has been an interesting practice.  Aside from the grief that it pulls up, it’s made me realize a few things.

  • Jason was a good looking human being.
  • Jason’s smile lit up his face and transformed his body language. It’s a good thing he smiled so much because he had a bad case of resting bitch face.
  • We did a lot of things together.
  • I miss who he was in the world. I miss him for him.  I miss him for me, too.  And I miss him for who we were together.  But I also miss him for himself.  I miss how he interacted with people and claimed his space.  I miss his presence and his smile and the way he laughed.  I miss how he was a cheerleader for everyone because he really, genuinely wanted everyone to succeed.  I miss his unadulterated belief that everyone deserved happiness and success.

Grief is complex and slippery.  Trying to describe it is like describing oil floating on the surface of a lake; I can tell you about the beautiful colors on the surface, but there is a world underneath that no one can see.  I can describe to you what the surface looks like, but it will be weak compared to the rich colors.  And no one can express what exactly is happening below that.

The best I can offer is that I miss Jason.  I miss him selfishly for the hole he left in my life.  I miss him for the hole he left in the community.  And I miss him for all of his sparkly unicorn of himself.

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