9-20 Legal Summary: Part 3, Entirely Feelings

I was ready for a fight.

It is just shy of a year since her first court hearing.  It has been eleven and a half months since I first saw the person who killed Jason.  Eleven and a half months of knowing that she doesn’t care that she killed him.  There is weight to each of those days.  There is weight to each time I showed up in court, each of the times I spoke to the prosecutor, to the homicide unit, to the victim’s advocate, to the reparations board.  Those weights have been pressing on me.  They have formed brick after brick in the back of my mind, which has taken up space and slowed me down.

The defenses I conjured for this week didn’t come from nothing.  They came from each hour I spent in court, each word I spoke, each time I bit my tongue to keep from speaking.  These bricks are built of grief and baked in rage.

I was ready for a fight.  I set aside the time to be present as the person who killed Jason told the world that she wasn’t guilty.  That she was justified.  I took the rage-baked bricks I’d made in each hearing and I stacked them into walls that would hold the flood of tears out of the courtroom.

I was ready for a fight.

Then the fight didn’t happen.

I have perfect rage-bricks which I want to rip out of this defensive wall and throw at everything just to watch something to break.

I’m still looking for a fight.

Next week when all of this finishes, I will still have those bricks.  They are mine to carry now.

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